The "Internal Weather" Check-In

My internal weather today is a very thick, low-lying morning fog. I can’t quite see what’s ahead of me just yet, and things feel a bit muffled and slow. It’s not necessarily a bad feeling; I see it as a sign that I need to take things one step at a time until the sun burns through this haze 🌫

Hey @MatchaToad - 

mine would be a - choppy deep blue sea, very restless & powerful with waves crashing, a lot happening underneath the surface.

But getting through it bit by bit with my team

Am safe 

@Fluttershy1 

A choppy sea has so much energy, but it can definitely feel restless when there's so much happening beneath the surface. It sounds like you're doing a great job navigating those waves with your team by your side. I'm really glad to hear that you are safe and taking it bit by bit. Sending some calm waves your way today! 🌊

The eye of a storm @MatchaToad 

The first part has rolled through and left a lot of damage and destruction, now numb and waiting for the next part to roll through with more damage and destruction, slow moving though. Just hoping that maybe the is sunshine after. 

@Captain24 

That is such a powerful and raw description. Being in the eye of the storm, where it's quiet but heavy with what's already happened and what might be coming, can feel really lonely and draining. I hear you on that 'numb' feeling; sometimes it's the only way the mind knows how to rest between those waves of destruction. Sending you so much strength while you wait for that sun to finally break through 🌩☀️

One of those rainy days where the rain is misty, but settled in for the day. The kind of day where you want to snuggle down in soft warm blankets in front of a wood fire, drink hot chocolate and nap while a feel good tv series plays in the background. 

@MatchaToad @Captain24 @Fluttershy1 

@NightFury 

There is a real peace in that 'settled in' kind of rain. It feels like an invitation to just be, without worrying about what's happening outside the window. Thank you for sharing such a comforting landscape with us all. It's a beautiful reminder that even rainy days can be full of warmth 🌧🕯

I love this one a lot @MatchaToad thank-you!

My weather gauge is super super sensitive, I feel exactly when things change and shift, externally in my environment but also internally. I have finally moved from 🌊 to 🌫️, only day two so hope it sticks. Hoping for some 🌄 but thankful for a rest from the rough seas for the moment 😎💫🙏

@Chasingsunsets 

I am so glad this resonated with you! It sounds like such a relief to have those rough seas finally calm down for a bit. Even though the 'fog' can feel a bit hazy or uncertain, it can be a much-needed space for rest after the crashing waves. I am holding onto that hope for your sunrise right along with you! How are you planning to be kind to yourself while you wait for the mist to clear? ⛅🌟

Hiya @MatchaToad, lots of rest actually it’s been nice. How’s your day been? ☀️

@Chasingsunsets 

I'm really glad that you have been prioritising rest, your body and mind will certainly thank you for it 💚

My day has been quite productive, did all the household chores that needed doing and have been hanging around on here; it's been good overall and not stressful 😊

Ah very good @MatchaToad, I love a good productive day! 🤩. 
Yeah I have been seeing you a bit on the forum lately, it’s lovely seeing you around. 
Cryptically speaking how’s the badge process going for you? Have you heard from anyone? There are some elephants in the room I sense re everything atm would be good to get answers I guess at some stage for good or bad if you know what I mean. Big 🌊 felt with this whole topic for me. I do wonder how everyone else is managing.

What’s on for your week 😊

Hey @MatchaToad 

I had a psych appointment yesterday and I mentioned this post and told her I feel like I’m in a cyclone. As soon as I said that she said I was in the eye of the storm. She kept going with it and said while you are in the eye you batten down the hatches waiting for the next part to return and then sunny days ahead. The next part of the storm for me is going to be really rocky and really tough but we are preparing for it. We have plans in place for when my thoughts (May) turn suicidal. 

So thank you for starting this thread. It has helped me a lot to discuss it yesterday and work with the analogy. I’m grateful to you. 

@Chasingsunsets 

It's so lovely being seen! I've certainly been enjoying spending more time on here lately 😊

Regarding the badge journey, my volunteer coordinator has been kind enough to advocate for the change with the tech team. I'll probably send another follow-up tomorrow or Friday to see if there are any updates. I haven't really heard too much or specifics about what's been going on in the background, but my priority right now is to support and show up for everyone here on the forums as best as I possibly can 💚

As for the rest of my week, I'm trying to lean more into the cozy vibes. I've got some playwriting projects I'm chipping away at, and I'm hoping to get some time to go outside in the city to balance out the screen time 💚

What about yourself? Anything exciting planned for the rest of the week, or are you planning on just having a relaxing, low-energy end to the week? 😊

@Captain24 

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It is truly humbling to hear that this analogy helped you and your psych navigate those big conversations 💚

Hearing that you're battening down the hatches and putting those safety plans in place is so incredibly brave of you. It's really hard work preparing for a rocky path, but having that team and those plans ready is such a vital anchor point. I know that others and I are here for you as you navigate the journey ahead 💚

I'm holding onto that 'sunny days ahead' hope for you 😊☀️

Those sunny days are weeks.. probably months away but I can only try. I’m having surgery tomorrow, I had the same surgery in November and that is what triggered it all. I’m hoping this time is easier but we are also prepared if the same cycle happens again. @MatchaToad 

I hear you, @Captain24. Sometimes those sunny days feel so far away or even impossible to think about, and it takes a lot of courage to keep trying when that horizon feels so distant.

I'll be thinking of you for your surgery tomorrow. It makes so much sense that you are feeling wary after what happened in November, but there is a lot of strength in the fact that you aren't going in 'unprepared' this time. You've got your plans, your team and your awareness; that is a very different starting point than last time 💚

We'll all be right here on the forums whenever you're ready to check-in post-surgey. There is no pressure to be 100% positive. Just know we're all holding space for you while you navigate the journey ahead 💚

Haha always great to see you @MatchaToad I am really noticing the efforts of the community guides, definitely an increase almost pressure for you guys now, I’m so mindful of this and hope you and all the other CG are going ok. 

I am so glad to hear the volunteer coordinator is advocating for you. Sorry you haven’t been made aware of the changes. So nice that you are showing your support here 💚. Let’s just say if there was “good” news it would already have been posted not met with subtle silence and feedback forms, however just my opinion and observations. You seem like a good person to chat to about this. I 💯 back the PSWs and 💯 the community guides lots more to say, but the elephant in the room is big and first we need to name it then progress from here 🐘. Definitely not here to start the fires, but here to put them out 💜☀️as mentioned big waves 🌊felt here. 

Your week sounds lovely! Enjoy the city and hope there is some good weather for you and your play writing project sounds good too!

hmm interesting day today, was given a medicine from the hospital during a consult which I wasn't expecting, the side effects haven’t made me feel that good. Hopefully surgery soon next month if all goes to plan. My week is going to be really busy actually so bracing for the next 🌊, but the clouds🌫️🌫️ were good while they lasted 😀. 

Hey @Chasingsunsets 

Thank you so much for those kind words; it really means a lot to know our efforts are being noticed. I hear you on the 'big waves' regarding the forum changes; it can definitely feel a bit heavy when there’s uncertainty in the air. I just hope we see positive outcomes from these changes 💚

I'm sorry to hear the new medication hasn't been making you feel good. That 'bracing' feeling before a busy week and surgery is so real. Even if the fog was short-lived, I’m glad you got those two days of rest from the choppy seas.

Since your week looks so busy, I hope you find some tiny 'pockets of calm' between the waves. I’ll be cheering you on for the surgery news next month! 🌊

Aw thanks @MatchaToad for you kind words, sorry I just said the exact same thing back to you but it means a lot what you mentioned about the surgery, was cancelled a couple of times but organs are playing a bit better so approved for it yay! Will be interesting how recovery goes potential of organs to play up so let’s see 🤔, I’m prepared for it anyway and will not surprise me if it occurs but just got to roll with it 💪. Funny though I like my control so being put under anaesthetic doesn’t really sit well with me, however it needs to happen so got to roll with it I guess.  

Just in bed with a couple of heart rate alarms over the last couple of hours. Over 110 whilst being inactive side effect from that medicine, so not too concerned just don’t feel great. Lucky I won’t have to have it again until maybe around surgery time. 😊… But thanks so much for listening to a bit of my worries they don’t come out super often but I’ll make sure I don’t load your thread with all my stuff!

hmmm yess changes, interesting. Knew something was going to be happening from December, knew all of this as it started to take place Jan. Just been observing, said not a lot (most I’ve said has been here) it’s tricky not to rock the forum fam too much, would never be my intention, so it’s a fine balance. Reassurance for everyone is the key which I have been also trying but the balance is talking about the 🐘, I hope for positive outcomes but based on what I have felt since Jan, I really am not sure. My alarm bells have gone off a couple of times, so who knows as we are yet to get clear answers or responses. It’s a hard one. Lots more to say of course 😊

I am going to try and rest when I can is my main goal. Lots going on but try rest as much as I can. I love my walks with my dog so re regulating all the time 🐶🥰.

So lovely to chat I appreciate it a lot thankyou  🙏

@Chasingsunsets 

The heart rate jump sounds incredibly draining, especially while you are trying to rest. I am glad that you don't have to take that specific medicine again for a while, but do take it easy while your system settles back down 💚

I completely hear you on the control aspect of surgery. It's a very human thing to feel uneasy about an anaesthetic, but it sounds like you've got a great roll with it kind of mindset, despite the nerves. Having your dog for those regular walks sounds like the perfect medicine in the meantime.

Regarding the 'waves' on the forum, I really appreciate your perspective. It's definitely a fine balance between naming the elephant in the room and keeping everyone steady, but I truly think having open and kind conversations such as these is exactly how we navigate the waves and fog, if that makes sense.

Sending you lots of restful vibes for the remainder of the week. I'll be thinking of you and your doggo 💚

Evening @MatchaToad 💚, how have you been tracking today? 

ohh yess nothing like feeling you have run some marathons whilst just lying in bed 🤭🙈. But that’s ok all worn off now which is good.

yes the surgery, needs to be done one way or another been a process to get the tick of approval for it, so nervous but just need to get it done now, but the letting go of the control is interesting that’s for sure for a few reasons but all good. 

I completely agree with what you said about the forum 💯, it would be so kind whoever made these decisions to give us clarity, kind and open and honest chats rather than just “leaving us on the fence” (just how I feel so it may not be how everyone feels :), not good at sitting with elephants in the room or this type of fence sitting, fallen face first a couple of times when the warning bells go off from Jan-present about this. I pick up all the unspoken vibes and patterns a very uncomfortable place to sit, let’s also just say completely retraumatising. It’s about not seeing but sensing, this is always the first warning bell. I also have a really strong sense of caring for others and very sensitive to decisions, made from people "higher up" making executive decisions, there is no confidence or trust when this happens for me and you loose fantastic workers when this happens it does make me worry I guess (I could definitely have it all wrong and really I hope I do). Have we gone backwards? Do they not see or understand how valuable the PSWs are here on the forum for forum members? This is my fear. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it" - Atticus Finch.

It takes a lot for me to get bothered like this but has hit a number of buttons of mine which doesn’t happen often but this is why I am acknowledging the elephant I guess 🐘🫶 “If something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour”- EM

So lovely chatting, very much appreciate our interactions 💫☀️🙏

Hey @Chasingsunsets 

My day yesterday was good; I got a lot done that I had been wanting to finish. Having a relaxed morning today, will be here throughout the day/evening 💚

I wanted to thank you for being so open with me. It is a real gift to be able to chat like this, especially when things feel choppy under the surface.

I truly hear how much those unspoken vibes are weighing on you. When you have a strong sense of care for a community, noticing shifts in patterns can feel so unsettling, and I completely understand how retraumatising it can feel when trust feels thin. That Atticus Finch quote is so perfect. Empathy and lived experience are the true heart of this place, and I think that's exactly why those warning bells feel so loud for you right now 💚

It is okay to have those fears for the forum family here. Even if we don't have all the clear answers right now, please know that I truly value your voice and your observations. I don't think you're rocking the boat by naming the elephant; you're just being honest about what you have been noticing.

On a more personal note, I am so glad that marathon feeling from the medication has worn off! Since you're still in the bracing phase for surgery, I hope you can lean into those dog walks and lean onto here for support.

Sending you so much steadiness and peace for the weekend 💚

 I am going to reflect on this idea of internal weather.  Thanks @MatchaToad for all you do on the forum.  Your responses interact with the material in people's posts in a way that has real wisdom and insight and uniquely tunes into people's feelings.

I am really slow at learning to express feelings.

We only had a sprinkling of rain, though I actualy liked it. There were a lot of sunny moments. Yes that is literal, but also 

@Appleblossom 

Thank you so much for those incredibly kind words. It truly means a lot to have the effort I put in here be recognised by all you wonderful people 💚

I absolutely love the image you shared of the capybaras, they're such strange but beautiful creatures!

You mentioned being slow to learn to express feelings, but I think you're actually doing a wonderful job of it right now. Being able to notice those sunny moments, both literal and internal, is a huge part of that expression. Sometimes the best way to describe a feeling is through a metaphor, like the rain 💚

Hey @MatchaToad, sorry about late reply I missed your post sorry about that. Off to sleep now but should be back later on in normal hours, as I’ve mentioned before it has been great seeing you around that’s for sure 😊.

How are things going for you this week? Any luck with what you were following up with re badge? I am not sure I’ve asked if you have any impressions about the movement here. I see there is a new psw, so perhaps they aren’t removing the role, just a shuffle. However still manages to send waves esp when nothing is spoken about and left with 🐘 in the room. It’s hard to know if it is the movement the existing psws wanted or not (I suspect not, only my personal guess). I’ll support them and back them with whatever they have wanted 💯. I just hope their worth has been acknowledged and that the good they do here has been seen. Already one psw down now so staying alert. It’s been interesting. It has definitely managed to rock my boat, not feeling as safe and stable on the forum atm as a personal observation and likely related to what this triggered for me. Would be good to have further updates other than submitting a feedback form I wouldn’t know the best way to go about it. Again not here to start fires, here to put them out. It does seem like things have calmed a bit or I have calmed a bit, one of the two haven’t worked it out yet but I still know there is likely more to come. 

Hey @Chasingsunsets 

No need to apologise at all! I hope you managed to get some restful sleep 💚

I really appreciate you checking in on me. Regarding the badge, it's still a work in progress. I've been told it was delayed due to the Easter Holidays and the internal changes they've been making. I've had such lovely support from you and the whole community, which has been so heartwarming, and honestly, the kindness I've been shown means more than the Peer Guide label itself.

I hear you on those unspoken waves. It is natural to feel less stable when things become unpredictable under the surface. I can really see that your loyalty to the peer workers and your alertness stem from a deep care for this community. It's okay if the boat feels a bit rocked right now; sometimes, just acknowledging that the waters are choppy is the first step to finding our balance again.

I want you and everyone else here to know that I'm still here, I intend on sticking around for the long haul, and I am so glad that we all have each other to chat with through it all.

Sending you lots of steadiness and peace for the rest of the week! 💚