Marriage breakdown, moved out, infant and children involved

I don’t know where to begin.  
I left the love of my life in 2018 after constant struggle with his addiction to online cam girls. We have 2 children together. I left him nearly 7 years ago. Yet I still have PTSD from how he has treated me since I’ve left him. We have both moved on, I got married in 2024 amazing man, but also struggles with mental health and refuses to seek help. Constantly on and off his medication. I recently moved out into my own place because the environment was horrible to be living in. Miserable, fighting all the times not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to leave the house, the house was always in shambles. I had our baby in September 2026, he was working but took 3 weeks off after I had our baby, barely helped with recovery. Simply just awful experience. 

now I’ve moved out, I’ve got a feel of what life is like as a single mum of now 4 children (to 3 different partners) 

my eldest I have 50%, my middle 2 I only have every second weekend and my baby I have 24/7. My baby has just started day care which has been helpful and I start work 3 days a week in a weeks time. I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I wanted my middle two children back 50/50 but I don’t think it’s possible with work, and them being 26mins one direction, and 45 mins the other direction I have to go for work and other children. I’m in a total mess. I feel like a failure as a mother because I only see my middle two every second weekend when they want to come back 50/50 (they have been with their dad for 18 months full time)

I don’t know what I’m expecting of this post. I just need to get it off my shoulders. I’m a total mess. I don’t know how to manage this. I have a social worker helping me at the moment. 

my husband has come back into my life promising all these changes and that he doesn’t want to lose me or our son (8month old) we’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been a hell of a journey of 3 years. Messy. Unstable. Financially unstable, just everything had been awful and now I’ve secured a safe place for me and my children. I’m questioning if I want that life again, or if I even have any faith he’s able to provide that kind of life for us. 

I don’t know. I’m just rambling because I have so much I want to say and just don’t know how to put it all in writing to get help. 😭