Just talk

Hello 👋 Posting here because I don't have people I can talk to. I'm in my early thirties, queer, no supportive families. I was engaged to someone I loved, who was the only family I had. She broke up with me 8 months ago. It surprised everyone around us including her family and friends. Over the last few months, it became more and more evident that she was having the biggest suicidal spiral in her life and the breakup was a part of that. She was diagnosed with depression and ADHD before.

We're still in contact because I still care about her a lot and she is no longer financial independent due to her depression as well as flare of her other chronic health issues. Long story short, she's not my partner anymore but we're very entangled still. She cut her family off because they couldn't respond to her the way she wanted them to. Her friends sometimes help but they all have their own lives. She blames me and her family for a lot of things. I used to be suicidal from a young age, lots of self harm and whatever not. So I can empathise with that headspace and not being able to see other perspectives when you're in it. I've had to go to her house a few times now because I knew she was in the headspace to do something, and she was. We tried having her admitted but apparently she's only "passively suicidal" and not sick enough to be admitted. We even looked at private facilities but because she has chronic health issues they think she is medically not well enough to be an inpatient. I'm tired of both being the bad guy, and the one who puts a roof over her head. There are good days where we genuinely have fun. But then there are hell days when I'm the worst monster on earth. I work a full time job in a hospital with overtime so average 14 hours a day 5-7 days a week. I'm also autistic, the busy schedule helps. But my mental capacity probably should have exploded a long time ago. I have no idea why I'm even typing  this out. Maybe just to rant. Maybe looking to see if anyone has similar experiences.